When People Leave Your Church
This article is designed to touch on some common struggles that those of us who are in the trenches of pastoral ministry are faced with. It aims to provide some possible solutions to those struggles, or at the minimum enlarge our understanding as to why some of these things happen.
A man who was a giant in the faith to me, and who eventually became a spiritual father and finally a friend, used to share a story and it went like this:
A kid who was new in the neighborhood went to the park one day and discovered a bunch of kids playing soccer and having a lot of fun. The new kid, who had never played soccer before, asked, “Can I play?” The other kids said sure, and immediately assigned him to the net to be the goalie. His teammates gave him simple instructions: “Just stop the ball—that’s all you have to do.” The new kid gladly agreed to play the position. As he eagerly took his position on the field, the other team came running down the field toward him and kicked the ball in his direction. And as he fumbles to stop it . . . the ball hits him hard right in the face. The new kid gets up, rubbing his face, as his teammates tell him he’ll be ok, while slapping him on the back saying “Great job!” A few plays later, the other team again comes roaring down the field toward him, and again he gets in front of the ball that seems to be flying at a supersonic speed . . . and the ball hits him right in the stomach. It knocks the wind out of him and the new kid crumbles to the ground. As he struggles to get up again, his teammates gather around him ecstatically congratulating him on his incredible performance! A few more times the other team attempts to score, and the new kid gets hit again and again as his team gathers around wildly praising him. But finally, so weak and dizzy from the constant onslaught, he becomes reluctant to step in front of the ball. And as the other team eventually scores one goal after another on the new kid, his teammates angrily turn on him and kick him off the team. The new kid goes home bruised, disheveled, rejected and crying.
My dear mentor and friend likened this experience to pastoral leadership in the Church. And anyone who has been in pastoral leadership for any length of time has had to deal with the heart-wrenching aftermath of people turning on them and leaving the church. I wish that most of these departures were done with grace and the affection that we are to show to one another as members of Christ’s body, however, we know that many people do not. At times it can get nasty when people verbalize their frustrations and influence others in a negative way. I’ve learned that not all the people you start with will be the ones you finish with and it helps to understand why. Over the last 22 years of pastoral ministry, I have had years when our church only saw people come and never saw anyone go. Oh, how I loved those years and on how I wished every year was like that—but they weren’t. Allow me to share my observations about the why’s of people turnover in the church.
1) Because they do not feel valued.
How do you measure whether a person feels valued? What is the metric? It seems quite subjective, yet we all know that most people need to feel some degree of this especially in the church family that they are connected to. We communicate such high ideals about the church, as we should however, we are sometimes setting people up for disappointment in setting their expectations for a church where all the humanity has evaporated and of course it hasn’t. Most Sundays it’s on display in the tensions that occur within ministry departments and the interactions within the congregation with it’s the cliques, and inadvertent oversight of an important detail that affected someone or may even hurt them. Faithful servants who only hear about their responsibilities but are rarely thanked or acknowledged for service above and beyond the call of duty. Think of it most of the people in our churches are serving above and beyond the call of duty by just showing up after they have worked a 40+ hour work week, done the grocery shopping picked up their kids from sports, and managed to carve out some time with their spouse. If they have been sick or in the hospital and no one called or sent flowers a card or thought of preparing a meal maybe just maybe they are not feeling valued. We who carry the responsibility to ‘watch for people’s souls’ must develop a culture of appreciation and care for those who park themselves under our ministry. Let me move on to another reason why some people leave …
2) Because they are frustrated by our incompetence
Ouch! That might sting a little but if you feel incompetent in an area of ministry, do not beat yourself up over it, we all have to grow through areas of incompetence. The scope of duties of present-day ministry and the skill set needed to be proficient can seem over- whelming and I guess that is why many pastoral surveys reveal that a high percentage of them feel exactly that …overwhelmed.
Growing past incompetence to competence looks like the following over a time line that will vary for every leader. What we know for certain isthat we all start at #1 and if we are growing and paying attention we can move through to #5.
a. Unconsciously incompetent – you do not know that you do not know what you are doing (but sometimes others in the congregation are painfully aware of it.)
b. Consciously incompetent – You become more self-aware of areas where you are incompetent and yes that is an improvement!
c. You face the growth/learning curve – You begin to study, read, network or consult to gain insight into the area(s) you need help with and as you gain understanding you are gaining some confidence and others are seeing change as it brings improvement to your ministry and organization.
d. Norming - what you’ve learned has been put into practice and you are growing from awkwardly having to think about every step of implementation to operating in it without much thought and when this reaches an 80% ratio you would be described as fully competent in that area.
e. New Vision: At this point a new area of expansion or vision comes along that you feel impressed to pursue but where does every new vision begin? At level 1 and so the cycle or process begins again. People will stick around longer when they see that the leaderis actually growing commensurate to the growth of the vision development.
3) Because they do not want to change with you
Yes some people will leave a church because they love the good old days. As vision is implemented and growth occurs certain things are bound to change, there is no way to avoid it. Hopefully the changes are coming to accommodate growth, however, some people resist change at all costs. It’s their MO and there is little you can do about that.
4) Because they’re incapable of further growth
Someone once said that you cannot fit a 12x12 plan into a 4x4 head. This is not meant to insult people in any way but some people are incapable of facing the challenge that growth requires however, just like they helped you get to where you are they will likely find someone at the same stage you once were and help them get to where they are going. So, bless them and release them.
5) Because they long for what they came from
(No other foundation can be laid than that which is laid; I Cor 3:11)) Some people join a church and they assimilate well, others are hurting and they will find healing in your house but when they are healed up they will want to go back to what is familiar and similar to the emphasis that they once enjoyed. I discovered this many years ago before I was a pastor my wife and I were part of a church for 25years. There was a time when another charismatic church in the city closed its doors and the pastor and up 20 family units came over to our church. They were all hurting units. I felt the Lord show me that none of them were meant to stay in our church and I shared that privately with our pastor who was very unenthusiastic about that word. However, within a space of 2 years these people were healed up and the majority of them left between the 2nd and 3rd year, however, all of them did eventually leave. I take no credit for what the Lord revealed to me in this situation but I learned that not everyone who comes to a church is meant to stay. Some just need a safe harbor for a season while they heal up.
6) Their gifts are best utilized at initial states of development
I believe that there exists within the body of Christ some that are truly ‘startup people’. You need what they have to get things off the ground. I have a theory. I will not take all the time to expound on it, but I believe that some gifts are really important and essential and will be most effective at one stage of development than another. Think about a rocket being launched into outer space, the fuel cells and other components are absolutely essential in the first stage of the launch but as it is lifted in the atmosphere those components fall off and the rocket continues on its trajectory without them. They were essential to the launch and initial stages but would actually be detrimental if they stayed attached for entry into the outer orbit. There are some people like that is every church plant and as much as we would like to keep everyone with us as we go forward those people need to go and find a new launch where they will be useful. Understanding that will help you.
7) Because the Father is pruning the vine
In order for something to grow and new life to come what is dead must be removed. People are not always dead spiritually, but they can lose the vision and become dead to us and our church/ministry. If the Father is removing them, we should not chase them or attempt to persuade them to stay. About 14 years ago I was in a period where some people were wavering in their commitment to our church and I was determined to do everything I could to keep them. One day I was pulling dead stems off the beautiful geranium plants my wife had placed on our backyard deck and as I was doing it I sensed the Spirit say to me, “John, what are you doing?” I replied, “Lord I’m pulling off what is dead in these geraniums.” Then the words dropped into my heart, “Why don’t you let me do the same.” Nothing more was said either way, I got the message but I thought if that was a word from God then as I just let go and allow the Father to prune the tree I will see new growth as a result. The people did leave but by the end of the year we had one of the largest growth spurts in our history! Lesson learned.
8) Because of unmet, uncommunicated expectations
People arrive in our churches and some have clear expectations of what they expect from a pastor or a church, they do not tell you or communicate it, but those expectations are there and when you do not meet them …they get disgruntled and leave. Plain and simple. Uncommunicated expectations are a cause for problems in all types of relationships and it can work both ways however, some people come into our church with prior church life experience and in that church culture that pastor did thus and so. As they enter our church, they project those expectations upon us and while it would be exceedingly rare for them to communicate about them it is foremost in their mind. You might not even know why they came and why they went but take my word for it, it happens.
Whatever the reason for people leaving decide in advance to treat them better than they deserve as a personal standard of Christ-likeness in your ministry. Sometimes it will drive you to your knees. My wife and I decided about 15 years ago that we would send everyone who became a partner in our church a letter when and if they left regardless of why they left. The letter would thank them for how they contributed over the time they were with us, it would also offer an apology for any way in which they felt that we failed to be the pastors they needed, and finally praying that the Lord would guide them forward in His perfect will. Some of those letters took longer for me to write than others … but I always managed to get to the place where I could do that. I felt that it was a good discipline for my heart and that it also gave those people a sense of release so that they could go forward in their journey of faith.
9) Leaving Church Because of Cliques
By John Finochio
FAQs - How To Tell Your Pastor You Are Leaving The Church
What are valid reasons to consider leaving a church?
There are valid reasons for leaving a church—but it is not a decision to be made lightly. A church is not a club—it is a family of faith and part of the body of Christ. Further, 1 Corinthians 12:18 notes that the Spirit of God leads individuals to areas of service (which implies to specific churches). One’s church home is more than a place to find friends; it is a place where you join with a family of believers to help the Lord’s church accomplish its mission.
How should one approach the Pastor about leaving the church?
Close relationships deserve straight talk—to speak the truth in love. To announce you are planning to leave a church should not be your first or only communication with the pastor or church leadership. If there are important spiritual issues you believe church leaders should address, then make your concerns known. Extend patience and grace, commit the matter to prayer, and allow leaders time to address your areas of concern.
What role does church leadership play in a member's decision to leave?
Ideally, church members leave a local church to help expand ministry efforts. For example, some transition out to support a new church or church planter. However, most people leave because they pursue their interests rather than God’s calling. Good church leaders will maintain open lines of communication with parishioners and model that serving Christ and teaching the Bible are priority responsibilities.
When is the appropriate time to discuss leaving with a church leader?
There are four primary reasons to leave a church—and in every situation, your pastor should be one of the first people you speak with about the possibility of leaving. The three reasons to leave a church are 1) the lead pastor does not feel comfortable teaching what the Bible says about salvation, right and wrong 2) the pastor stopped preaching the truth 3) church leaders are guilty of sexual or physical abuse, and 4) the parishioner is leaving to pursue God’s call to serve in another church. Even when the situation clearly allows for breaking fellowship with a church, the goal in leaving is to ensure a church stays healthy and well-positioned to thrive in the future.
How can I leave my church gracefully without burning bridges?
These four actions can help those planning on leaving a ministry. Note this is particularly important for those in leadership 1) Try to provide a month’s notice 2) If there are issues driving your decision (such as the nursery is either unsafe or makes you feel uncomfortable), be sure you have communicated your concerns and given leaders appropriate time to respond 3) Ask church leaders about how best to cover your leadership responsibilities [if you have a leadership position in the church]. Perhaps you can assist with training your replacement and 4) Talk with friends and members of the church to let them know why you are leaving and urge them not to follow you—but to prayerfully discern the Lord’s will for them. Also, if leaders in your local church have not done anything wrong, consider extending grace by continuing to tithe to the church for a few months after you leave.
What should one do if they feel uncomfortable or unsafe in their local church?
One can not learn or grow spiritually in an environment marked by physical abuse or grievous apostasy. In such matters, leaving is justified, but for the welfare of the Lord’s church, you should share your concerns with church leadership, and if they are making sincere attempts to do the right thing and remain true to the Lord, then leave gracefully. If they are not, consider speaking with a regional denominational office (if available) to share your concerns with the hope of minimizing hurt, protecting other members, and guarding the church’s witness.
What if a Pastor stops preaching according to God's Word?
There are legitimate reasons to leave a church—a pastor refusing to preach truth from the Bible falls in this category. The Bible tells us there are general guidelines to follow when there is a concern. In such cases, the right thing to do is to share prayerfully considered concerns with the pastor (before deciding to leave the church). The matter should be discussed in private and in person, and if that is not successful, then ask several others who can testify to the matter to join you in sharing concerns (note: if the issue concerns the pastor, the second step should involve a ministry leader or leaders). When these attempts fail, and as God leads, then leave the church in peace.
How can a church member maintain respectful relations with the congregation After leaving?
There are two truths to keep in mind: There is no such thing as a perfect church, and those who remain in a church may be called of God to do so. Therefore, strive to leave the church well-positioned to continue their ministry unharmed. Telling people you are feeling led to go but wish them and the church well, leaving on a positive note, praying that the church will enjoy a healthy ministry, clarifying your decision so few wonder what precipitated your leaving, and taking the high road by training replacements and extending your giving for a time can help you maintain a positive relationship with your brothers and sisters in Christ.
Is it possible to join a new church after leaving your previous one?
Joining a new church should be a priority goal. Those hurt in a church may be reluctant to join another, but that is what God desires. Speak well of the church (for it is the Lord’s church), know a vibrant spiritual life must include times of corporate worship and prayer, and seek a church where there are opportunities to serve and God’s word is taught.
How can family dynamics influence the decision to leave a church?
All Christians in a family should be in agreement that they are called to join and support a local church. This guards against the temptation to leave a church for the wrong reasons. There are always churches down the street with larger sanctuaries, bigger staffs, and more dynamic teachers. However, the person who decides to join or leave a church for those reasons does so for the wrong reasons. Not everyone in the family will have all their preferences met by a church, but all can believe God has called them to support a local church. Unity increases when family members realize that supporting a particular church is a holy calling.
